Children Become Who You Predict Them to Be

Written by: Debra Hapenny Ciavola, Ph.D. ~ Web Site: www.greatparentingtips.com

With a wide toothy grin spreading across his chiseled face, Jim proudly declared that he had been sober for one year. Jim had been struggling with alcoholism since he was 13 years old.

One session, while we were working hard at exploring what was behind his need to sabotage his life, especially when things were going well, Jim stopped in mid sentence. Then, in a voice so quiet I had to strain to hear him, he said, “For as long as I can remember, my father told me I was bum and would not amount to anything. Dad would look at my report card and say, “Is that the best you can do?” He came to every football game, but after each one he would shake his head in disgust and walk off no matter how good I did. He thought I was a failure. After awhile I started to believe it too.”

The lens through which we view our children will profoundly affect how they see themselves….We get what we expect. By positively predicting your child’s behavior, you are helping them set an internal expectation to do more. Go further than they originally believed possible. Slowly, they begin to live the visual you are creating for them. Without lecturing or criticizing, you have crafted an image of how they can live their life.

In the dictionary, predicting is described as foretelling or prophesizing. People tend to live up to the image or expectation that has been set for them. Predicting your child’s good behavior means that these behaviors may not be currently true, but they can become true. This is particularly helpful in the teen years when it is sometimes very difficult for parents to see through the forest of emotions and verbal debating to who their child really is.

The internal picture you have of your child is an estimated future belief. It also teaches you to look for the good without false, over praising. It is like writing a story of who you want them to become.

One of the biggest obstacles you might be facing is the conflicting image of who you believe your child is today versus whom they can become. This is very common, since most parents approach their child based on their own perceptions, world view, and personality; backed by layers of history. However, your image may interfere with your ability to bless your child with the opportunity to reinvent themselves.

Children who are addicted or have any mental health struggles are especially vulnerable to creating unhealthy images. They are often bombarded with negative input that they are not good enough, liars, and a rotten person for stirring up conflict within the family. Once this image is firmly planted in their minds, they begin to live it, as this is who they now believe themselves to be.

Begin today to predict your child’s future. When your teen is getting ready to go out, say, “I know you make good choices like not drinking, because that is not who you are.” Or when learning to drive, you can say (as you are white knuckling it and pressing your foot to the floor), “You are such a great driver, you seem so aware of the cars around you.” Although this is not presently true, your child comes to view themselves in this light and begins to do more of these behaviors.

When your preteen mentions a project they are working on, you can say with a smile, “I am glad that you get right to your projects, so you don’t feel pressured to finish it the night before.” To a small child who is picking up their toys, “Wow, you sure like things to be neat and clean.”

Through my family therapy practice, I have seen children coming from the worst environments possible and have stunning success. What each of these winning children had in common was at least one person who championed them. Not through false praise, but though believing in them. For being able to help that child see the future through their eyes.

Ask yourself, “Who do I want my child to become?” Then, positively predict and reinforce that behavior. Motivate your child to live an emotionally and psychologically healthy life through an image of confidence, success, and good choices.

Predict the best and watch your child experience extraordinary change that will last a lifetime.

Dr. Debbie Ciavola, Marriage and Family Therapist, http://www.greatparentingtips.com, author of 50 Great Tips, Tricks, and Techniques to Connect with Your Teen. It’s easier than ever to parent with the right information! Parenting Tips, Newsletters, Forums, and Articles. Chock full of fun and simple tips for Parents, Single Parents, Stepfamilies, and Grandparents. Your strongest parenting resource.